The fantastic Mel (with Resolve) has another project up and running. And this is my answer to a question; although I started out to answer another question...
What if I can never just be happy with what I have and stop being angry, bitter, and sad about what I do not?
I remember I once very angrily stating to a close friend that 'I am a failure'. I got such a look of horror and shock and a talk about how I am not a failure. And yet I am a failure at one of the core roles that society has given to women, I cannot get pregnant in anything approaching a normal manner, and when I got pregnant I miscarried. I am not a proper woman.
And even now, that is my core belief. And that's the thing with infertility, it changes those core beliefs about yourself. Once, in what seems like another lifetime, I was young, carefree, happy, married and excited about where life was going to take us. And that is gone; and I'm fearful that I might never be carefree, happy and excited about life again.
That core belief has the effect of making me bitter and sad. It's that core belief of failure, and not accepting that my way is going to be as good (although different) that causes me to cry when I see new babies, or hear that someone is pregnant. Even though we have our plan; I still get sad when I think about how easily what I want with every fibre of my being has come to other people.
I get angry, I get irrationally angry. And the angry comes and fades with no warning. That's not normal, but it's my new normal. I can't help what is, I just have to accept it. And that's scary, because what if I never achieve the peace that I find. That whilst I do have peace for a time, it comes and goes.
I can't believe, even at these moments of moving forwards, that I will ever be the same person again. That all the pain will somehow fade; and I can become that care free person again. And whilst there are parts of me now that are ugly and nasty, there are also some good things that have come from the pain.
What if this is a learning curve? What if I have learnt more empathy? What if because of this I am a better person?
I'm beginning to see the attracting of Wordpress - in that whole 'password protect post' kind of way... but I'm staying here for the moment, accepting that I'm not going to be able to write the post that I need to write at the moment.
In other news...
I spent a little time last night with one of my friends, she is always brutally honest and whenever I am with her, when it's just us, I still end up in tears (more often than not she joins me). We both accept that this is the way that things need to be, because it is healing. She started the conversation off with...
'that text was from A, she was were you are for a long time, but she came down on the lucky side of the fence. Actually she got the card 'you're going to be a mother' card that I brought. I kept thinking that I should have got 2 and then your luck might have changed.'
I responsed that it seems unlikely that my luck would have been any different whether or not she had brought two cards.
We then started talking about adoption, and got onto the whole God thing. How this is God's plan for me - in her view... and whilst I have a strong belief in God (and yes it has waivered), I am of the strong opinion that this isn't God's plan for me. How could a loving, caring God have a plan that means so much pain and hurt? I just accept now that 'this is what is', that whilst God is there, and he is a loving God, he has no control over what has happened, to my way of thinking the doctors at the hospital are better people to question over this.
She looked at me quizzically, and I explained the following to her: that she'd said within the first 5 mins of the conversation that 'we are going to be amazing parents' and how if that was the case, is it that we still aren't parents? That what we have gone through cannot be God's plan, because how can a loving caring God, cause me (and so many others) to suffer through infertility, and whilst we might eventually be able to adopt a child, that isn't the outcome for everybody. How can this possibly be God's plan? 'this is what is'
She acknowledged what I said - but I know that I didn't explain myself enough to convince her. I know that (hopefully) at some point we will have our family. Is it what we dreamed of, no, because if it was why would we have put ourselves through so much. Is it the right thing for us now, yes. BUT that does not make it the right thing for everyone.
Gosh, it's been a nearly a month - no excuses other than business at work, I could talk about GCSE coursework, and A level practical exams but it would be boring. However, it's the Easter holidays now... two weeks off work!
I've just finished reading a fascinating book 'Building the Bonds of Attachment' (Dan Hughes). I'm not saying it's an easy read, but it looks at the problems that a neglected child (with attachment issues) might face when it comes to living in a foster or adoptive home.
The book starts by looking at Katie's life at home with her birth parents. The acts that show 'good enough parenting' and then eventually the 'not coping'. It then moves through 3 foster homes with experienced and less experienced parents. It talks about the normal therapy that she had. It talks through the eventual break down of foster home no. 3, due to her behaviour and need to control.
The book then talks about the fourth foster home and the new therapist that was found for Katie. It takes about how Katie's new foster mum parented her, so that she couldn't get into so much trouble. It talks about the stresses and strains. It discusses the type of therapy that actually helped, where Katie was allowed to play and become relaxed, but also made to face tough things in her place.
It showed the type of parenting that we might have to do. It was an amazing book. I have to return it to the library tomorrow, but I want to get my own copy. I get the feeling that re-reading the book at a later point will help me get more out of it.
"My story is important not because it is mine, God knows, but because if I tell it anything like right, the chances are you will recognize that in many ways it is also yours. Maybe nothing is more important than that we keep track, you and I, of these stories of who we are and where we have come from and the people we have met along the way because it is precisely through these stories, in all their particularity, as I have long believed and often said, that God makes himself known to each of us most powerfully and personally."
Welcome to my blog - it's my pathway to sanity!
I have PCOS and Endo. We ttc for 7 years and endured treatments like Clomid, Met and IVF and ICSI. After 7 years of fighting to become pregnant, we decided to follow the adoption path. Having been approved to adopt in Oct 2010, our son boy-o was placed with us in Mar 2011 - follow us on our ongoing journey...