I have decided for the moment to leave this space, my reasons are real and varied and I am not about to justify them.
I started this blog 6 years ago, when I was in a dark and sad place. This place still exists but is far smaller than it was. But it was where I was, and where I lived. This blog chronicles a journey from there, to here. But it isn't a place where I can empty my head like I once was able to.
Last year, I went back and removed some posts. They sit in draft form, where I can see them, but no-one else can. The reasons I did this are now multiplied, I interact with people on twitter that I know in real life and that number is growing. This space to empty my head, has many real thoughts, but some of them might hurt others. That was not the purpose of writing them, the purpose was to heal, and recover.
I have a new blog, not a space to empty my head, but a space to write about adoption, both positive and negative. I have a private space to empty my head, to continue in my journey of healing.
I never imagined walking away from this place, but it isn't what it was. My life has changed, but so have my aims in blogging. I need to leave this blog as a place of what was...and I may visit sometimes, but if it can't be what I need it to be, and it can't, I need to leave and start afresh.
And so a quiet ending, no big bangs and flashes. Life continues, in the darkest moments there is always hope, and hope continues.
A year ago, we were anxiously waiting for paperwork to start adoption number two, (I've checked back). I was busy at work, doing all sorts of things that I always do (I haven't checked, I've assumed). We were a family of 3 doing okay (mostly) with boyo coping with most of what was coming his way. Apparently a year ago, he had a crying fit at school 'because he didn't want the baby to stay'... or in fact he had watched one of his friends get to go home after crying...about his baby brother. I was also celebrating our adoption support networks, filled with amazing friends.
A year ago, I could not have imagined what this year would bring... a new child, an upcoming house move, looking towards a statement for boyo at school, more doctor, post adoption support, new friends,
We have had a good year - with some incredibly difficult patches. Things once more have changed beyond recognition... and we are slowly finding a way to a new normal. Some weeks are good - last week was good, some weeks are more tricky... I find it hard to be calm and sympathetic on 3 hours sleep. We have amazing moments of pure joy... and we have moments that I could sit and cry.
A year ago, I thought my heart and life were full. I had no idea that there was room for more. A year ago I was confident that we were through the worst with boyo and things were getting better... I had no idea of the effect of full time school. A year ago, I was still asking questions of experienced adopters... now I am asked the questions...although I still ask them of others.
Time doesn't stand still, and neither do our lives. A year is a long time, but at the same time, just a blink of an eye.
Well done The Adoption Social - a year ago, you started something... which has grown and grown, along with a community of supportive people. I hope you continue for many a year to come, as we all walk aside each other, learning from each other and sharing joy and tears.
The end of another week, the passing of another weekend...but this one has been more peaceful than recent ones, not perfect, why would I want that but more peaceful.
We had a reflective time this past week, lots of night time awake, and chatting. We know what to do, but putting it into practice is hard. Last weekend by Sunday evening, moods were bad, there had been shouting and screaming and kicking...we all did some of one of them. The week started in the same way, except for one difference....
It didn't matter what boyo did, I did not shout at him. I got quiet, I got patient (very patient), I acknowledged his feelings, I did what needed doing without saying 'you can do that if you try'. When he let go of the pushchair, I stopped and waited. When he chewed toys, I removed them and gave him a chew, when he kicked I just cuddled and said 'I'm sorry you feel so cross'.
And for this week it worked, the week ended calmer, the weekend started calmer. Who cares that we know he can put his shoes on, right at the moment he can't. Who cares if he can put his trousers on if he thinks about it, right now he can't.
Okay, I lie, we weren't perfect and calm at all times. I don't function on 4 hours sleep...this was more because Jelly was ill than anything else. But, and this is important, each day was a fresh start, and I made sure it was.
It resulted in a lovely weekend, with no lingering resentment (apart from about the lack of sleep).
Poor Jelly doesn't often get a look in on the blog...boyo dominates. I promise it isn't that way in real life! But today 5 months since he moved in is a good time to reflect on the littlest member of our family.
Back in Aug he was still learning to walk, today he was running around the house chasing boyo, the dog or me.
In Aug he was relatively quiet...he's been here for 5 months, if I can't hear him, I wonder what h's doing. He has started talking, his first recognisable word was his big brothers name.
5 months ago, we didn't know how two boys who were used to living as single children would cope...ummm, they run circles round us, continuously. Jelly hates taking boyo to school, he loses his playmate/tormentor/victim.
He came to us as a baby, and is now a toddler. He has his likes and dislikes, and is not afraid of letting us know. He knows his mind.
He adores going out for walks and been carried either in the back lack or the sling, but he now wants to walk as well as be carried.
He is a complete monkey, and will wind us all up...he adores buttons, and presses any he can get to...thank goodness my washing machine is behind a closed door!
We can vaguely remember life before Jelly, mostly that it contained more sleep...but none of us would be without him, apart from the dog...they are not friends!
Waiting for the community paedriciation appointment, as the acute paedriciation feels it would be better for boyo to be seen at a different place - I don't disagree! But know we are starting from point 1 again with someone who doesn't know him
Waiting for occupational health and physiotherapy appointments..they are supposed to be assessing his motor skills possibly looking towards a diagnosis of dyspraxia.
Waiting for CAHMS to decide whether to assess him or whether he is too young.
Waiting for a decision on DLA, so we can work out what I need to work next academic year, before seeing the head!
Waiting for the Ed pysch to see him at school, and look at starting the statementing process...or it's replacement, no-one seems sure yet.
And...finally...we are waiting for a moving date, because we didn't think we had enough going on so decided to move as well...Okay the house has been on the market for a while, and we have found a house with bigger rooms, and most importantly a bigger back garden...which was why I wanted to move!
So life at the moment is a waiting game...at some point before my adoption leave runs out hopefully things will resolve themselves and we will have answers!
So there is a new linky at The Adoption Social called The Things We Do. Somewhere to link up and share ideas that make a difference in their lives. So I was thinking of the things we do to make life easier for us and for the boys... Boyo is calmest when he has space to run. Around us we have lots of open space, where we can go to walk the dog, and he can run. He knows the rules... if I shout 'stop' he must stop, if there is any kicking of leaves near dogs or other children, we will leave, if he has a tantrum and lies down on the floor, I will stop for a minute and offer words of comfort, but I will then continue, he will need to catch up and finally, stay away from streams, rivers, becks, ponds, lakes or any other body of water larger than a puddle. His favourite place is near a road, and we only go there when I can absolutely trust that he will hear me and react when I need him to. His second favourite is nearby woods - with a short walk from a car park to the woods and no roads nearby. Space to run and hide and to just exist. It helps us through our days!
January - started with conversations with boyo about having a sibling, and a meeting with a social worker about adoption number 2. Boyo also started to show more understanding about adoption and the idea that he had a Mummy before me.
February - contained the down days that it does, as I remembered my worst miscarriage, contained a week off work, a birthday. a celebration of meeting boyo and a waiting for paperwork.
March - a month of momentous and less momentous occasions. We went to the LA adoption celebration, I had an OFSTED inspection at work, boyo had a birthday and a party, and we had a parent's evening - including the start of transferring from nursery to reception.
April - thoughts about life story work, and a life story book dominated my mind, along with the progress of a second adoption and meeting friends in the park.
May - contained a holiday - and many thoughts that have now gone from the blog as a couple of people in real life found my blog and caused me to go through and delete things from the past! We also found out about Jelly - and had to take an unbelievably difficult decision.
June - started with thoughts of giving up blogging, an accidental meeting of Jelly (by M), a definate link, a death and a funeral.
July - meant approval panel, school holidays, seeing boyo's birth brothers, the start of the worry about reception year for boyo, and a choking incident at school nursery.
Aug - school holidays and all that means, were pleasantly interrupted by introductions, and some difficult behaviour from boyo
Sept - reception year started with little success, and we had a visit from after adoption to talk about life story work.
Oct - was about survival, and the realisation that things were more than a little difficult and we needed help.
Nov - started with national adoption week, a post I shared on facebook, that made it's way back to boyo's school (must remember 1 of my fb friends works in the other reception class), boyo having a really bad day at school, and a conversation about a 'statement'. There was a week of meetings; from a LAC review for Jelly, to Post Adoption Support for boyo, GP's, health visitor, friends with DLA conversations, and a meeting with the SENCO...oh and complaints about my stance on photos at school!
Dec - was busy - hence the two posts - one Secret Santa post and one review of Christmas - without the hard stuff.
So 2013 has passed, the last few months in a blur. I hope 2014 gives us time to relax more. I have less expectations - can things not get worse please, and can we get boyo attending full time school sometime this academic year - preferably before I go back to work. However, we hope we have one big change coming - a house move is very much on the cards, to a bigger house with a much bigger garden.
Wishing you all a Happy New Year - and for those expecting great things - I hope you have a wonderful 2014.
"My story is important not because it is mine, God knows, but because if I tell it anything like right, the chances are you will recognize that in many ways it is also yours. Maybe nothing is more important than that we keep track, you and I, of these stories of who we are and where we have come from and the people we have met along the way because it is precisely through these stories, in all their particularity, as I have long believed and often said, that God makes himself known to each of us most powerfully and personally."
Welcome to my blog - it's my pathway to sanity!
I have PCOS and Endo. We ttc for 7 years and endured treatments like Clomid, Met and IVF and ICSI. After 7 years of fighting to become pregnant, we decided to follow the adoption path. Having been approved to adopt in Oct 2010, our son boy-o was placed with us in Mar 2011 - follow us on our ongoing journey...